Return to normalcy
Last I wrote, the doctor put me on observation mode. Observation mode was quite short-lived. That very evening everything went to hell again and I was back at the doctor’s a few days later.
Surgery was in January.
It’s now February, nearly March, and it’s safe to say I’m mostly recovered. But getting back to some kind of routine is proving trickier than expected. My mood is off. I’m in a constant state of being annoyed at myself for not feeling how I want to be feeling. I’m scattered in some ways, weirdly focused in others. Nothing’s quite coming together.
On Patreon, I wrote that I was soul-searching. I like that term. It conjures the visual in my head of digging into a bag and pulling out random things and examining them:
- A boot with no shoelaces
- A number 2 pencil
- Three straws with different colored stripes (purple, blue, pink)
- A traffic cone
According to my ever-flowing stream of consciousness, those are but a few items residing in my soul . My bottomless, JanSport bookbag soul.
On the subject of self-reflection, I started journaling again. I’d stopped at around the same time that I stopped blogging. I told my journal that this was a year for letting go. Particularly letting go of things I can’t control. I also told my journal it was a year for going back to basics. Lowering the stakes. Finding the joy again. To be honest, I tell my journal a lot of things. I’m not sure that it believes me. I’m not sure that I believe me but the intention’s there all the same, and that’s a start.
I have many intentions, in fact, but I’ll keep them to myself for now and let the year unfold as it will.
All of this to say: I’m alive.